I know, it sounds strange at first to be afraid of success (something most of us want), but fear of success is actually very common. Our society is so result, productivity, and goal driven that it’s hard not to have a fear of success get in our way at some point. Left unchecked, fear of success can be a major contributor to avoidance, procrastination, low self-esteem, lowered expectations, and “underperforming” (even if you consider yourself generally successful).
Sometimes, examples are the best way to understand a difficult concept. So I’ll share a bit about the underpinnings of my own fear of success, and how to overcome it.
In middle school, I enjoyed social “popularity”. I fit in with just about anyone I tried to get to know and didn’t experience much rejection. Looking back, I suspect that this social “popularity” had a lot to do with the fact that I was average. I minimized myself in athletics and academics for the assurance that I would “belong”. But high school was a different story. I changed schools and knew no one, so I began focusing on the things I was good at, which was sports and school. I excelled at both, but I was bullied for being “smart”, and was teased by the girls for being athletic. To manage this, I held back by not playing soccer (my best sport) for the school team. This way, no one would be able to ruin the thing I loved the most. Since I went on to play soccer in college, I had to manage my fear of success in a new way (that I definitely don’t recommend)…I became a perfectionist and an overachiever. I felt immense pressure to make the best grades, and constantly predicted that I would fail tests even though I never did because I put way too much work into studying. This drive to “perform” at least assured me belonging with parents, teachers, and coaches - they never rejected me if I succeeded.
I began unraveling and healing these unhealthy habits in my mid-twenties, and more than a decade later, there are still remnants that crop up from time to time. In my career, I have found that the dozens of reasons to fear success tend to fall under two main umbrellas:
Fear of increased pressure: If you succeed, others will develop new standards and expectations of you. You may fear that others will expect this success to be consistent. You may find yourself wondering, “What if I can’t sustain it?” or “What if I can’t handle the pressure?” This can trigger a subsequent fear of failure, and fear of disappointing others. This category includes a fear of not being good enough, experiencing the “imposter syndrome”, low self-efficacy, fear of increased work or responsibilities, and fear of criticism.
Fear of social backlash: Let’s face it. When we succeed, sometimes others feel left behind, threatened, or jealous. We may lose friends, outgrow colleagues, or even experience social rejection as a result of succeeding. You may notice you are hiding your success, minimizing your accomplishments, and avoiding the spotlight to manage this fear. Social anxiety or shyness is commonly associated with this fear.
How to overcome fear of success:
Focus on the right support network. The right friends will lift you up and want the best for you. Ask your friends for their support. Tell them what it means to you because of what they mean to you.
Remember that life is short. Minimizing yourself will only cost you time and a part of a life experience you can’t get back. This could leave you suffering with regret much longer than the time period to face the fear of increased pressure or social backlash.
YOU are responsible for setting your own expectations. If you are living your life by the expectations of others you are subject to the fear of increased pressure. So allow yourself to imagine, “If others didn’t expect XYZ of me, or if they expected nothing of me, what would I expect of myself?”
It’s important to look at the sources of where this fear could be rooted in your life. Identifying the sources can help you figure out what past experiences need to be healed and explored in therapy. In therapy, you will learn to confront your fear of judgment, fear of disappointing others, fear of criticism, and learn to listen to your own expectations rather than the expectations of others. You will learn how to tolerate and reframe the experience of “failure”, to allow it to work towards your success. Cognitive Behavior Therapy or EMDR can help reframe or update automatic negative thoughts that may have developed from these experiences and are continuing to contribute to present fear of success.