The greeks actually have six words to describe love, while we have just one. Crazy right? When we think of love in our language, we know that love applies to many different types of relationships - romantic relationships, friendships, and relationships with our kids too. But they all feel different! Mature love requires both vulnerability and sacrifice, and it takes work to achieve!
I love you because I need you*
This type of love is immature. It says that as long as you serve a purpose or meet a need, you will be loved. Individuals who love this way may have dependent traits, and might seem “needy” or “clingy”. They may be attracted to others who are codependent or who desire to “fix” them. They depend on others more than they should, and may create situations that they can prove to you that you need them; even when perhaps you didn’t ask. This type of situation is “smoke and mirrors” and tricky to spot - you will feel they are meeting your needs, but really, are they? Or are they just creating the need themselves and then filling it? When you ask for something to be different, does anything change?
I love because I am loved*
This type of love is better explained by the greek word, philautia (or self-love). This says that as long as you make me feel good about myself, or as long as you need me, I am capable of loving you. Individuals who love this way are in the relationship to receive rather than give. Those on the receiving end of this type of love may feel they are never good enough and no matter what they do they won’t receive the love they know they deserve. When you ask for your needs to be met, do they somehow change your mind or say they will and then don’t?
I need you because I love you*
This type of love is mature. It says that I allow myself to need you - and this is a vulnerable choice! It takes a lot of trust to make this vulnerable decision to depend on someone and trust that they will show up for us. When they do show up for us, true, mature love is cultivated.
I am loved because I love*
Love is a commitment. It’s not an emotion. When we make the decision to love - we are both giving to the other person (we are meeting their needs, and to do this the other person is vulnerable enough to allow their needs to be known and met by us) and we are receiving from the other person (they are meeting our needs, and for them to do this, we must be vulnerable enough to allow our needs to be known and met by them). This is a lot of work!! Love is developed over time through lots of actions.
I know, I know, you’re thinking, “But what about love at first sight?” But that’s not love. That’s excitement & attraction - the honeymoon phase of a relationship is coupled with lots of intense positive emotions of affection, but these dwindle - every emotion, positive or difficult, is temporary. This is why love is a decision involving self-sacrifice for the other and the vulnerability to allow the other to do the same for us.
*Quote from Erich Fromm